reprinted from Buzz Magazine...The Talk of Los Angeles (May, 1997)
by Glynis Costin

The New Intimacy

In the movie Swingers, playboy Trent (played by Vince Vaughn) gives lovelorn Mike (Jon Favreau) a warm hug followed by three backslaps and a chest pat. Later in the same scene, Mike gets a hug and a double back pat from Rob (Ron Livingston). In another scene at a nightclub, Trent nonchalantly sits with his arm around Rob. No, these guys aren't gay. In fact, they spend most of the movie hunting for "babies," a.k.a. women. If the '80s were supposed to be kinder and gentler, the '90s have turned out to be huggier and kissier. When Clinton and Gore clenched in a bear hug on election night 1992, they publicly demonstrated what sociologists deem our collective desire for intimacy in a high-tech age. Whether it's the new intimacy, Invasion of the Body Space, or the Barnyization of the nation ("I love you, you love me. . ."), whatever you call it, this hug-hug, kiss-kiss thing is getting a little, well, unclear. Who hasn't experienced that awkward moment when, as you go for a hearty handshake, the other person moves in for a hug? You end up doing some weird shake-hug hybrid, and both feel like idiots. Take my friend Matt (not his real name). In his early 30s and gay, he runs in both fashion and business circles. These days, when he meets a female client with whom he has a close relationship, he's not sure whether to kiss her cheek or shake her hand. His social life is in an equal state of greeting chaos. "Five years ago I would automatically hug my gay friends and shake the straight ones' hands," Matt says. "But I was recently at a party where a [male] business executive and a [male] public relations director—both straight—gave each other huge hugs. It's getting really confusing." What are the rules nowadays? Does gender matter? Social status? Age? Environment? Culture? "The corporate handshake versus the hug-and-kiss have a lot to do with how relaxed society has become and how we're more of a global culture than we ever used to be," says Gloria Petersen, a Chicago-based etiquette expert. "The old distinctions between business and social climates have blurred. Some of it's due to more women in the workplace, some of it's a trendy European thing, and some of it's a New Agey hug-as-therapy thing—the importance of touch in a computer culture," she says. "The problem arises when both parties are not in agreement and when mixed messages are given." Believe me, the greetings among a L.A. fashion-shoot crew bear little resemblance to the salutations among Boston bankers. "Society is like a group of tribes," explains Dianna Pfaff-Martin, founder of California Image Advisors, a Newport Beach-based consulting firm. "Be aware of what tribe you're among at a particular time, and try to let their protocol guide you. The business standard today," she adds, "is that either a man or a woman may extend a hand [first], and if you want to be more intimate, placing your hand on the other person's forearm or shoulder is OK." Hugging is a risk that should take place between consenting friendly business acquaintances only outside the office, says Petersen, who believes in a coming backlash against office intimacy. "With sexual harassment cases so prevalent, coworkers can't afford to take those liberties," she says. Among good friends, lip-to-cheek kissing is OK, but kissing on the lips is never appropriate except between intimates, she adds. Still confused about what to do when you run into a friendly client at a bar? "When in doubt, go for the handshake," Petersen advises. "There are space invaders and space protectors—and the space protectors have the right-of-way."

Tell that to the PR person who leaves her trademark lipstick prints on me every time we meet, or that photographer who believes in sharing his cologne the intimate way. Then again, I wouldn't mind if Vince Vaughn wanted to give me a hug, even if I do barely—OK, don't even—know him.